I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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