you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
