My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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