She is in my trunk
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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