I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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