Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize