I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
