i dedicated my morning wood to you.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
