Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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