There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
