i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
