You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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