a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
