too bad you live with your parents still
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
