God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
