conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
