Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
