I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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