I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm like, not good at living.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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