My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
