Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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