Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
