my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
