Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
