went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
