At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
