My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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