My friends, they love my intelligence
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
