the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Maybe he injected his testicle?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
