I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
this hospital has no fireball
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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