you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
