I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
