Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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