I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
