I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
