I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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