FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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