she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
