but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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