Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize