areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
