There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
