what day is it and did you see me today?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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