i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
