I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
