Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
