two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
