you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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