Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
