I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
