Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
