it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
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