Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
