I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize
