My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
