see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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