Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
