he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
