Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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