So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
