This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize